Soothing pain by changing how we relate to it
We all feel pain, including physically, emotionally, and mentally, and these experiences are a natural part of life. Even occasional minor pain can affect our enjoyment of life, and chronic pain can disrupt our ability to fully live the life we hoped for and place a heavy burden on our mind and body.
There are many powerful tools to soothe pain, including physical interventions such as acupuncture, massage, and physical therapy. Another very important component of overcoming (or at least managing) pain can be found in how we think about pain.
Today I want to share a wonderful tool I came across that can help us examine how we think about pain and adjust our relationship to it. You might be familiar with the Calm app which includes a powerful series of meditations on soothing pain developed by Oren Jay Sofer. I have collated the ideas in that mediation series here, and hope they will provide you with some new skills to manage pain.
From the "Soothing Pain" series on the Calm App:
“While the focus on this meditation series is on physical pain, all these tools can also help with other types of pain. According to Sofer, the three main skills of handling pain are:
Learning how to view it
Changing how we relate to it
Investigating pain itself
Redirect attention
Pain and discomfort are magnetic – they pull on our attention, capturing it. A first step in managing these sensations is to direct our attention away from the pain and find a neutral or less painful place to rest the mind. This allows us to take a break from the intensity of the pain and gather our resources. The more choice we have over where we rest our attention, the more freedom we have.
Where can we rest our attention? Find a reference point that is easiest for you to access:
One of the most common reference points is our breath. Focus on where you feel it enter your abdomen, nostrils, or chest – rest your attention there.
Another reference point can be your hands – notice sensation there, like warmth, coolness, heaviness, tingling etc.
Other sensations in our body like our lips touching or our tongue in our mouth, can be helpful reference points as well. Is that easier than the first two places?
Experiment with the reference points above and decided which comes easiest and draw your attention to that part of the body. When your attention drifts, gently bring your mind back to your reference point.
Flowing relaxation
When we are in pain, we tend to tighten, resist, or pull way. This next tool will help us consciously relax the muscles of our body. Learning to “turn off” a muscle and let it loosen is one key to soothing our reaction to pain. Use your breath to do that, using light natural and easy breathing. Notice any increase of energy or vitality as you breath in. And notice any settling, relaxation, easing on your out breath.
Bring attention to the top of your head, and then move your awareness down the scalp, temples, sides or back of head. If there is any tension in any of these areas? If so, imagine the muscles slowly relaxing and releasing as you keep breathing. Let awareness drift down into your throat, chest, arms and do the same thing for each part of your body. As you breathe in, imagine that the breath flows to any area of your body that feels tense and as you breath out, imagine that tension slowly melting and dissolving away with the outbreath.
Observing resistance
When we feel pain, it is natural to want to tense up and resist the pain. At the same time, resistance makes pain worse. We’ll explore how to observe and soften physical and emotional resistance to unpleasant sensations easing some of the suffering we can feel with pain.
In life there are always two things occurring – there is what is happening and how we relate to what is happening. The more we resist, the more we suffer, whether emotionally or physically. Suffering occurs when we feel an unpleasant sensation and then layer extra reactivity on top of it.
First, let your attention rest with your neutral reference point (see above). Try to let any thoughts be in the periphery and remember that the past is gone, and the future hasn’t come. Let this present moment be a gift to yourself. Consciously feel an uncomfortable place in your body and notice what that feels like, then shift back to your reference point, spending some time here to rest.
When you are ready, let yourself feel the unpleasant sensation again and notice how you are reacting to that feeling. Are you contracting and resisting against it? Where do you feel it? Is there tension in your jaw? Are you clenching your fists or is there a knot in your stomach? When you notice the reaction, observe the resistance itself. What would it be like to soften that resistance? Can you release it a little bit?
Often naming the sensation can be helpful – is the discomfort hard, spikey, hot, tense? Then take a break and go back to your reference point, giving all your attention to that neutral place. Then return to any resistance. Can you step back internally and just feel the sensation?
Resistance often comes in waves and sometimes the best thing to do is to step back and observe how it comes and goes, and this will help to reduce our suffering.
Resistance can show up emotionally as frustration, going numb, getting scared or sad. Is there any emotional reaction to the pain? Can you name them? Just observe them and return to the resting point frequently.
It can take some time to get the hang of balancing when it’s time to observe and when it’s time to return to the neutral point to rest, but with more practice you will be able to use this technique to create some distance between your consciousness and the pain you experience.
A new perspective
Next, we will explore how to transform pain by noticing thoughts that make it worse and finding a different way to view what is happening.
One of the main ways we suffer is by believing the stories we tell about what is happening: “This shouldn’t be happening. This is my fault”. If we look more closely, we realize life includes both pleasure and pain. Only wanting one and not the other is like wanting to only breathe in – it’s just not possible. When we can meet pain with courage, it opens our heart and matures our spirit.
As you sit, notice if there are any beliefs or stories in your mind about the pain that make it worse, that add mental and emotional suffering to something that is already physically unpleasant. What are you telling yourself? Are you blaming yourself or your body? Are there fears about the future? Stories about what will and won’t be? Now try to put those thoughts and stories aside and simply notice an unpleasant physical sensation. Noticing a physical discomfort is one thing, the stories we tell about them is another.
Next try to invite a different way of thinking about your physical experience. Notice if listening to any of these phrases gives you more perspective or a feeling of a little more space inside:
This is completely natural – bodies get sick and hurt – that’s what they do
It’s ok, not to feel ok
In this moment, this is how it is. Right now, it’s like this
I’m not alone. Just as I feel this pain, so too, many others feel pain right now
The future is unknown. The best thing I can do right now, is to take care of this moment
Which of these statements work best for you? What gives you the most sense of relief? Shift between these statements and your neutral reference point.
The strength of compassion
One of the most powerful and transformative qualities for bringing ease to pain is the strength of compassion. Compassion is our capacity to meet pain and suffering with tenderness instead of turning away or wanting to cast blame. We turn toward the experience with kindness and care.
Strengthening compassion takes two steps:
Allowing ourselves to remember what compassion feels like
Dwelling in that feeling and amplifying it
Think of a good friend or mentor, someone who you feel at ease with and picture being with that person. Imagine they were aware of the pain or discomfort you are experiencing. See their eyes looking at you with care and compassion. Would they take your hand? What might they say? Allow yourself to feel their care and warmth, letting it in and allowing it to soothe you.
Let the image of the other person dissolve but stay connected to the feeling of compassion towards yourself. What would it be like to feel self-compassion for the hardship and pain you are going through?
Sometimes it can be hard to feel compassion towards ourselves. It can be helpful to imagine ourselves as children. Can we send compassion to that younger version of ourselves? Or imagine an older version of yourself and see that mature version of your future looking at you with eyes of warmth and compassion. Can you let that tenderness in? Visualize the feeling of compassion as a soft warm blanket all around you.
A phrase that might help you stay connected to compassion is, “I care about myself and this pain –I hold it with tenderness, care and compassion.”
Investigating pain
This last tool is about slowing down enough to find out what this thing called pain actually is and examining the experience of pain, by breaking it down into its components.
Begin by using the practice described above:
Soften resistance
Identify how are you thinking of the pain
What would it be like to remind yourself that it’s ok?
Invite compassion
Then focus on something that is mildly or moderately painful, identifying where the discomfort is, and noticing the quality. Observe it with some curiosity.
Are your body and mind resisting or reacting to unpleasantness? Allow it to come and go.
How much space does discomfort take up in your body?
What is the sensation around the area?
Where does it feel ok?
Take a break and return to your reference point to rest.
Then go back to the painful area and name the sensations. What does it feel like? What’s the pain made of? Is there heaviness, thickness, sharpness, aching, twisting, throbbing, pulsing? Notice that the pain is a combination of changing sensations.
Stepping back, you can notice pain’s different parts:
If you visualize the sensation, what would it look like?
Would it have color or a shape?
What images arise when you visualize the pain?
And does it change while you’re observing it?
Investigating painful sensations like this and taking them apart is an important way to deconstruct the concepts we create about pain and begin to see it for what it is: a changing experience that comes and goes.”
(End of material from the “Soothing Pain” mediation on the Calm App)
If you have access to the Calm App, I would highly recommend listening through this series of mediations. I believe that along with physical interventions such as acupuncture, integrating these tools will be an important part of your journey of managing pain.
